Earth Mother......beam me up!

I think that if someone had told me a year ago that I would turn into a total Earth Mother after having my child I would laugh at them.  My kid is 7 months and I have turned into a total Earth Mother.  It started with making my own baby food and that was a success so I figured what else?  So I made my own laundry detergent, baby wash, house cleaners, baby vapor rub, and up next, Dishwashing Detergent.  :)  I just wants what's best for my baby. 

Every little thing

I always knew that when you have a child your every single decision about that child is somehow up for public debate (or so some people think).  I don't think I knew just how true this was until I had my own kid.  It's constant!  Formula, juice, baby food, ear piercing if you have a girl, circumcision if you have a boy, nail polish and the list goes on.  I can't remember if I've ever told someone what they should or should not do with their kid but if I did I am sorry!! I should have kept my big mouth shut.  EVERYONE seems to have an opinion.  Today I bought N her first nailpolish.  It's called "It's a girl!"  Seemed appropriate. When I am ready I'll paint her toenails, not for her but for me!  Just saying!

New Jobs, New Neighbors, New Everything!

So I finally did it!!! I found a new job! Wahoo! And to boot, it's one of the number one places to work in America!  I no longer think that getting my degree as an adult was a complete waste of my time as I had to have it for this job. Not that I really ever thought this but sometimes felt I was just spinning my wheels. 

New Neighbors? Yep! The crappy ones are moving out at the end of this month, hopefully whomever comes next will be respectful and considerate. Here's crossing my fingers for that! 

Dear Noelle....Part one

There are some things I'd like to tell you. Amuse me for a moment while your Mommy goes on a rant, actually this is more of a life lessons moment. I'd say most of these things I'm about to tell you come from my own personal experience and musings. A few weeks ago I read an article titled "Why women still can't have it all." Honey, I know what you are thinking (or at least I think I do), that women can have anything they want! That's true, I do think that women can have anything they want but I don't think they can have it all, at least not all at once,  which was the point of this article. No matter how much has changed, women are still responsible for having children and trying to balance a work life. It's so hard to try to be your best at everything. Your number one job is being a great wife and a great mom but you also have to try and be a good worker as well. Noelle, my point is this I want you to always feel like you can have it all, but maybe you just have to be more careful about when you plan to be at the peak of your career or maybe you choose to be a stay at home Mom, either way I'll always support you and love you. 

Next, let's talk about other women. I hate that I'm saying this but the truth is that women are often times other women's worst enemies. It is unfortunate but women don't support each other the way that we should. It's hard enough out there without not having the support of your fellow women. An example of this is the girl that always sides with the guys because she thinks it'll make her look better if she does, that somehow if she seems "more like a man" that she will get ahead faster when in reality it just makes her look ignorant. There is nothing wrong with being a woman and thinking like a woman. It's what makes us unique and special. I think this especially applies if you end up working in a male dominated field. Don't bring yourself down to their level and feel you need to "man it up" to get any respect. Be yourself, be a hard worker and respect the work you do. The rest will take care of itself. 

On the subject of other women let's talk about friends. Ugh, this is a tough subject for me. Over the years I have had my share of bad friends. The flaky ones, the ones who stab you in the back, the ones who are always looking for the bigger, better deal and the ones who just don't deserve you. Strive to be the kind of friend to someone else that you would want for yourself. The thing about friends is that it's not about quantity it's about quality. Your friends should always have your back, never abandon you for a guy, not turn into someone you don't recognize when they get engaged, they should be able to cry with you and stick around when things get tough as much as they would when things are at their best. It has taken me many, many years to find a few friends who are like this and I feel very lucky to have them. 

 I feel like this is a lot to digest so I'll stop for now. I know that right now you are only 3 months old (almost 15 weeks old!) so all of this may not mean a lot to you right now but your old Mom needed to say it while I have it on my mind and maybe one day you will be old enough to read it and understand. I want you to always know that your Dad and I wanted you more than anything in this world and we always want you to feel at home in your own family. Love, Mom :-)

Just another work day...

So today is the day I've been dreading since she was born almost exactly 12 weeks ago.  It's the day I go back to work.  I am sure when Noelle woke up this morning it was no different than the last three mornings that she went to daycare but it was sure different to me.  Granted, what's the difference in leaving her at daycare for the full days this week and leaving her a daycare and going back work?  Rob asked me this question last night as well and I can't quite pinpoint the difference but I will try.  I can't go see her anytime I want.  Going back to work means no more fun days of just hanging out around the house during the week while Daddy is at work. It's the end of our special time together and from here on out it's just business as usual.    Last night I cried myself to sleep, can't say I've done that in a long time.  Actually come to think of it the last time I might have done that was some time last year when I thought I would never get pregnant, funny how that all comes full circle.  She is changing so quickly and growing up way too fast! Last week I had to put all of her newborn clothes away and it looked a little something like this.  Who cares, they are just clothes right?  NO WAY!  I'm such a sentimental sap that I have a feeling I'm going to be holding on to these for a while.  Most of those clothes were given to me by someone as a gift and I think of that person each time I put them on her.  They are "just clothes" but to me they are the beginning, the beginning of the best thing possible. 

Now is the part where I have to tell you about the judgement and guilt.  Being a working Mom comes with a big heaping plate of both, everywhere you turn someone is trying to dish you up some of it. This is of course, on top of the plate full you have already given yourself daily.  I guarantee you no one dished up that plate to my husband when he went back to work when she was about two weeks old.  Why is that???  For whatever reason our society knows that a huge segment of women work after having kids but it still falls to us to have to feel guilty for that.  Am I some how more responsible to raise her than my husband?  NOPE.  We are both equal partners in this but let me tell you how it is viewed from the outside is definitely not equal.  I commend women who stay at home with their children.  It is the hardest job on the planet.  If I were able to not work I'm still not sure I wouldn't work.  I don't want to be a stay at home mom but I don't want to leave my child, it's a vicious circle!  I've told most of my friends that I wish I were a kangaroo and could just put her in my pouch and take her with me.  Having your child out there in the world is like having a piece of your heart exposed.  Who would ever want to leave this sweet face? 

So that's it, I've got to go get ready.  I've put it all out here for all to see and hopefully that will take some of the edge off today and let me get through.  :-)  Thanks for letting this Mom drone on.  XOXO-Amanda

And the point is???

I think this is the part where I am supposed to tell why I am creating this blog. Here is the scoop, after a long battle of infertility, fertility drugs, dashed hopes of motherhood etc,

 I had a baby. She.is.amazing.

After I had Noelle I realized that this whole motherhood thing is hard. Really hard. I don't mean math class hard, running your first 5k hard or any of that. I mean hard in a different way, a way that challenges who you think you are as a person. I thought I had it together (I don't), I thought I knew how to do it (I don't), and so many other preconceived notions. Let me tell you the first mistake of motherhood is preconceived notions. I admit I was guilty and had tons of ideas about the things I would do and wouldn't do. WRONG. Until you are in the situation you don't have a clue. Every pregnancy, labor, delivery and child is different. What you thought might happen probably won't and it's very possible that your worst fear could happen.

 My worst fear turned up in the way of the c-section from Hades. Honestly, I would like to smack the next person who says "Oh, it's a routine procedure", routine my butt. There is nothing "routine" about having your abdomen sliced open layer upon layer, then your organs being pulled out of your body and laying beside you while they take your baby out. Just saying, nothing routine about that. What proceeded from there is all one really bad dream. While I was in the hospital my incision opened up, no big deal I was told, just a hematoma. Then about a week and a half after delivery my incision opened up again but FOR REAL this time. This bad boy opened up in two spots about 5 inches deep into my abdomen. I had a wound vac installed (MIRACLE WORKER) and a home health nurse (Magnificent Gerry) would come three times a week to extract the wound vac from my core and put a new part in. This was unbelievably painful and taking pain pills became nearly impossible because of breastfeeding. HOWEVER, about three weeks later I was on the road to recovery and getting my life back. THANKFULLY, I had great friends and family who wanted to help me. You don't realize how much you are going to need others until your "preconceived notions" comes back to bite you in the butt! 

So the point is this, I'm going to be writing this blog for me. I want to chronicle this amazing, scary, magical, wonderful, frustrating and blessed time of my life. I am so blessed that God gave me this baby. I want to be able to look back at this time with fond (mommy amnesia) memories. What's the point? I.WOULD.DO.IT.AGAIN. if I meant that I got to have Noelle at the end of the day. Well, that and hopefully "help" some other Mommies out there. ;)